Posted by: Wendy | January 20, 2009

Hope Rises

I’m feeling blue today.  I keep telling myself that I’m not going to have a bad day, but it isn’t working.  I had high hopes for the day, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.  I just need to complain for a minute and get it off my chest.  I promise tomorrow I’ll try to write something funny.  But today I’m having a pity party and you’re all invited to join in.

I actually got some sleep last night.  We went to bed around midnight, and I think I went to sleep around 1:00.  Tripp slept all night for the first time in two or three weeks.  Tessa woke me up once for something to drink, but I was able to go right back to sleep.  If you know me from my old blog, you know sleep is a rare commodity for me.

Thomas set the alarm clock for me last night.  He was trying to be helpful, but it turns out either the volume was turned all the way down or he had the am/pm backwards because it didn’t go off this morning.  Luckily, I woke up at 7:00, which only put me thirty minutes behind schedule.  But I use that thirty minutes to wake up and have coffee and cigarettes and watch the news.  When I got up, I poked my head out the back door to smoke and saw that it was snowing a little.  At first I was thrilled.  I love the snow and we don’t get it very often down here in South Carolina.  But as the morning wore on and I caught the weather update from the local news, I realized it wasn’t going to stick.  School wasn’t cancelled or anything either.  It’s really disappointing.  The snow is falling prettily, but everything just looks rained on.  It’s sort of like making out with a really hot guy only to find out that he can’t get it up enough to do anything with.

Then I was calculating how much money I can spend at the grocery store.  Do you want to know what I came up with?  None.  I have no money left, maybe not even enough to cover quite all the bills.  And here’s the thing.  Thomas makes good money.  There’s no reason I don’t have any money.  I don’t even know where I spend it!  I know one problem is the convenience store.  I’ve been buying ephedrine again because it helps with my energy levels and appetite control.  I know it’s awful and I shouldn’t take it.  But sometimes it seems like the only way I can get everything done.  A box of 24 costs about $14.00 and I’m up to four or five pills every four hours or so.  God.  When I write that down it really makes me feel even worse about myself.  So anyway, I’ve been buying it every other day.  That works out to more than $200 a month.  Then add in cigarettes (a pack a day) and all the junk I buy for the kids.  And all the eating out and picking up fast food because I’m too lazy to cook half the time.  Or I haven’t been to the grocery store so it’s the only option.

And I’m feeling really, really fat and ugly today.  I haven’t been to the gym as much as I should since we moved.  There were a couple of weeks that I didn’t go at all.  I’ve been trying to get back in to it, but I think I’ve only been twice a week for the last two or three weeks.  Add in all the junk and it doesn’t paint a pretty picture.  Also, I’ve been really tired and achy so I haven’t even been moving around all that much at the house.  I’m pretty sure I gained a few pounds back.  Probably only three or so, but I’m going in the wrong direction and it’s another thing that makes me feel bad about myself.

I just want to be perfect.  Is that asking too much?  I don’t know why I’m so terrible with money.  Is it because my mom is and this is what she taught me?  I’m smart though.  Really smart.  So why am I too dumb to pay the bills like I’m supposed to and not spend money that I shouldn’t?  Wouldn’t a truly smart person also be able to make herself go to the gym?  And plan properly to avoid having to feed myself and my family fast food?  I just want to look good and do good with everything.  Some days it’s just too hard though.  And sometimes those days turn into weeks and then it’s even harder to pull myself back.

I’m sitting here typing and watching President Obama speak about hope.  About stopping things that aren’t working and expanding things that do.  He said “from this day forward” something about change and that everything is going to be okay.  (Sorry I can multitask, but not enough to remember real words.) 

So I’m lifting my chin and straightening my shoulders.  Enough with the pity party.  All I can do is change, right?



  1. OMG. we are the same with money. my mom same as yours – very bad example at how to handle money. My step-father made great money and we were always broke and poor. When we moved to Iowa last year it was for a job where my husband was making really good money – and we were more broke than ever! It made no sense! And here we are now, back in Wisconsin, making half of what he made in Iowa and I’ve stuck to a budget and am actually able to pay all the bills. Its crazy. But the secret is doing all the grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. In Iowa the closest Wal-mart was farther and there was a grocery store in town. Its amazing how much more expensive a real grocery store it. You get about half the stuff for twice the price. And yes, convenience stores are even more expensive. That was my mom’s downfall. Seriously the clerk at the convenience store told her that she wouldn’t have to work 2 or 3 jobs if she didn’t do all her grocery shopping there 🙂

  2. honey, i know exactly how you feel.. right down to the scale tipping the wrong way!

    hang in there, press on.. you can do it. 🙂

  3. Ok..first of all I know exactly how you feel. I have a little money in our account but not enough. I just promised my credit union for my 2nd mortgage $44 which I just barely have. I haven’t been able to pay my 1st mortgage in 3 months. Child support is behind, (we won’t go there) and now the car accident Jim had leaving us with one vehicle and its difficult! The epedrine is keeping you awake silly! (amongst stress) I take 2 tylenol pms and a warm cup of milk and I’m good to go. Last night I had reflux so bad that it kept me up no matter what I took.

    So I’m with you girlfriend! Don’t worry about your weight. I’ve gained about 30 Lbs in the last 6 months from stress and not working full time. I found that Slimquick works great! I like the packets that you mix with water better than the caplets but it works. It doesn’t make you jittery and curbs your appetite and its all natural. You pee a lot for the first hour after you take it, but then your ok. I lost about 4 lbs the first 2 weeks I was on it.
    Hang in there!

  4. Tomorrow is another day!

  5. Right, take it from a 45yr old who has had loads of crap in her life and some desperate self inflicted situations. YOU NEED TO CATCH A GRIP!!! Stop filling yourself full of chemicals which trust me will give you a heart attack in the next 10 year, I should know, and as for the weight loss, from one who has had booth boobs off due to cancer does is really matter a damn???? Stop listening to fools who wish to share their own chemical cocktails which also wont work, just make you ill in the long run. Go straight to an organisation who can help you, you need to talk to someone, now, before its too late

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