I’m feeling blue today. I keep telling myself that I’m not going to have a bad day, but it isn’t working. I had high hopes for the day, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I just need to complain for a minute and get it off my chest. I promise tomorrow I’ll try to write something funny. But today I’m having a pity party and you’re all invited to join in.
I actually got some sleep last night. We went to bed around midnight, and I think I went to sleep around 1:00. Tripp slept all night for the first time in two or three weeks. Tessa woke me up once for something to drink, but I was able to go right back to sleep. If you know me from my old blog, you know sleep is a rare commodity for me.
Thomas set the alarm clock for me last night. He was trying to be helpful, but it turns out either the volume was turned all the way down or he had the am/pm backwards because it didn’t go off this morning. Luckily, I woke up at 7:00, which only put me thirty minutes behind schedule. But I use that thirty minutes to wake up and have coffee and cigarettes and watch the news. When I got up, I poked my head out the back door to smoke and saw that it was snowing a little. At first I was thrilled. I love the snow and we don’t get it very often down here in South Carolina. But as the morning wore on and I caught the weather update from the local news, I realized it wasn’t going to stick. School wasn’t cancelled or anything either. It’s really disappointing. The snow is falling prettily, but everything just looks rained on. It’s sort of like making out with a really hot guy only to find out that he can’t get it up enough to do anything with.
Then I was calculating how much money I can spend at the grocery store. Do you want to know what I came up with? None. I have no money left, maybe not even enough to cover quite all the bills. And here’s the thing. Thomas makes good money. There’s no reason I don’t have any money. I don’t even know where I spend it! I know one problem is the convenience store. I’ve been buying ephedrine again because it helps with my energy levels and appetite control. I know it’s awful and I shouldn’t take it. But sometimes it seems like the only way I can get everything done. A box of 24 costs about $14.00 and I’m up to four or five pills every four hours or so. God. When I write that down it really makes me feel even worse about myself. So anyway, I’ve been buying it every other day. That works out to more than $200 a month. Then add in cigarettes (a pack a day) and all the junk I buy for the kids. And all the eating out and picking up fast food because I’m too lazy to cook half the time. Or I haven’t been to the grocery store so it’s the only option.
And I’m feeling really, really fat and ugly today. I haven’t been to the gym as much as I should since we moved. There were a couple of weeks that I didn’t go at all. I’ve been trying to get back in to it, but I think I’ve only been twice a week for the last two or three weeks. Add in all the junk and it doesn’t paint a pretty picture. Also, I’ve been really tired and achy so I haven’t even been moving around all that much at the house. I’m pretty sure I gained a few pounds back. Probably only three or so, but I’m going in the wrong direction and it’s another thing that makes me feel bad about myself.
I just want to be perfect. Is that asking too much? I don’t know why I’m so terrible with money. Is it because my mom is and this is what she taught me? I’m smart though. Really smart. So why am I too dumb to pay the bills like I’m supposed to and not spend money that I shouldn’t? Wouldn’t a truly smart person also be able to make herself go to the gym? And plan properly to avoid having to feed myself and my family fast food? I just want to look good and do good with everything. Some days it’s just too hard though. And sometimes those days turn into weeks and then it’s even harder to pull myself back.
I’m sitting here typing and watching President Obama speak about hope. About stopping things that aren’t working and expanding things that do. He said “from this day forward” something about change and that everything is going to be okay. (Sorry I can multitask, but not enough to remember real words.)
So I’m lifting my chin and straightening my shoulders. Enough with the pity party. All I can do is change, right?