Posted by: Wendy | January 24, 2009

Let the Bitching Commence

I know, I know. I said I would start focusing on the positive and stop writing all these bitchy posts, but I can’t help it! I don’t know if maybe it’s just because I am a bitch or if there is something else wrong with me.  All I know is some days are more than I can handle. 

Is this how life is supposed to be?  Is this what all women, and especially mothers, put up with?  This isn’t right but for the life of me I don’t know how to fix it.

Thomas is the assistant manager and a chef at the local Japanese restaurant.  He works from 11am until 2:30pm, then from 4pm until 11 or 12 (or 1 or 2!)  Monday through Friday, and on Saturday it’s 3pm until usually 1am or 2am.  It’s hard enough to deal with missing him and staying up so late so I can see him.  But most of the time I feel like a single mom.  He’s not here to help me at all.  I have to do everything for the kids.  I know he hates his hours and that he does it so I can stay home with them but knowing that really doesn’t make it any easier.

Last night I made a really awesome shrimp dish for dinner and I sent him a text telling him how good it was and to make sure he didn’t eat too much at work because I wanted him to have some.  He didn’t get home until 2:00, though, because his boss wanted him to stay and have a beer or two with him.  I fell asleep on the couch waiting, and when he did finally get home, we went straight to bed.  I asked him if he was going to at least try the shrimp and he said he would the next day because he was too full.  It was shrimp!  I’m not comfortable with leftover shrimp!  And I was really proud of myself because I didn’t use any kind of recipe at all.  Not even as a jumping off point, you know?  And I stood there for an hour peeling and de-veining them, making sure to do enough so he would have plenty.  He did eat them today, but now I’m worried that he’ll have food poisoning and I’ll have to take of him for that, too.  He made me feel a little bit better because he kept saying how good it was, and that it was like having sex.

I guess meal-time is my main issue today.  We aren’t on a normal schedule for meals because of Thomas’ hours.  I get so frustrated because when I don’t cook, Thomas comes home hungry.  But when I do cook, half the time no one eats it.  Or the kids eat only the vegetables or only the meat.  And then they’re hungry again an hour or two later.  I always wait to throw out their plates until I’m sure they aren’t going to eat it, and every fucking time it happens. 

Tessa is bad about just eating a few bites, then saying she’s done.  I swear she hardly eats at all!  But then a little while later she’s hungry again.  I usually don’t cook enough food to have leftovers, so that leaves me having to cook something for her.  I try to get her to eat cereal or a pb&j sandwich, but she cries and begs for real food.

Noah sometimes eats two entire plates full, and still wants to eat again later.  But he wants cereal or a peanut butter sandwich or bread and butter.  All the unhealthy stuff.  I worry about his weigh because he’s already a little thick.  And I know he’s not hungry!  Maybe he’s bored or just wants the taste of it.

The worst thing that Thomas does, besides not eating when I cook, is he’ll call me right before he’s supposed to come home and ask me if I cooked anything.  So I’m supposed to just drop what I’m doing and figure out something to cook, get it defrosted, and get it tasting good.  (I know I’m spoiling him, but honestly, after he almost left me last year, I’m a little afraid to be anything but perfect.  I’ll email you a link if you don’t know what I’m talking about.  It’s from the old blog so I can’t put it here.  Just let me know in the comments.)  I cook breakfast at 10:00, and I don’t want to cook a big meal at 2:00.  I spend the morning cleaning the house.  Seriously, from 11-2 I’m busting my ass because it’s the only time I have to get it done.  I don’t have time to cook a real meal then. Plus, I have to go pick Noah up from school at 3:00. 

I don’t know.  There’s some solution to this problem.  I want to tell Thomas there’s no reason for me to cook for him.  After all, he does work in a restaurant.  I could give the kids sandwiches or something for lunch (Thomas doesn’t like sandwiches, by the way) and just cook dinner.  But I feel like I’m not being a good wife when I do that.  I’ve tried cooking enough food at lunch to feed the kids lunch and dinner, but they refuse to eat it the second time.  I’ve tried making super easy things like Hamburger Helper, but they’re so used to really good food that they don’t like it.  Between all the cooking and cleaning after cooking and snack making and cleaning that I’m exhausted. 

What do you do?  Do you cook three times a day?  I just can’t handle that!

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Responses

  1. Well that sucks to make a nice dinner and have it go to waste like that.

    Sounds like you think if you do all the right things then all will be right in your world. The truth is we don’t have all that much control over things.

    I know when I was little my mom suffered from really black depression. In those moments she found that the reason for her mood was because one of the kids didn’t do something right. So shaking that idea that I’m responsible for other people’s moods has been a tough lesson for me.
    But for a long time I would be shredded inside if I thought someone was mad at me, or upset with something I had done. That’s no way to live!

    You won’t keep everyone happy by working yourself to the bone. They’ll be happy or they won’t. You just take care of everything as best you can without bringing yourself to exhaustion and enjoy your family as best you can.

    Hang in there!
    Hang in there!

  2. Ok I totally didn’t mean to type “hang in there twice” like I was screaming it at you! Ufta!

  3. It’s tough when you’re caring for everything yourself. Mine used to work from 3 PM til 5 in the morning, then sleep all day because he was exhausted. So 5-6 days a week I was a single mom, expect I had to have his clothes clean and food made too. Ugh.

    I hope things get better for you. You gotta tell him that ti’s just too much for you, and hopefully figure something out that both of you can survive on.

  4. I eat bfast w/ Michael, normally cereal, Michael eats at school during the week, Doug and I eat at work. Dinner, I cook for Michael and sit with him, he eats at 5:00. Doug gets home at 6:30 and plays w/ Michael and puts him to bed while I clean up the house and make our dinner. I eat w/ Doug around 7:30. I’m a bad mom, we don’t do family dinner. Michael can’t wait that long.

    You have to do what works for your family.

    We eat together on the weekends, mostly. Sometimes we get a sitter and go out.

  5. Bless your heart girl. I really wish I was an experienced mother of 12 or something that could offer some sound advice to make your crazy-chaotic world more peaceful. Or maybe a gennie or something to grant you 3 wishes. That would probably come more in handy.
    But for now, all I can offer you is a big, admiring hug via internet. (hugs)
    ❤ Pokey Jo

  6. I RARELY cook “proper” food for Noah at lunchtime; he has cereal for breakfast, sandwiches/cheese on toast/whatever for lunch and then proper food in the evening. Often leftovers from night before, or stuff I cooked ages ago and froze. D comes home, then we eat, and at the mo, D often does it (cos I can’t move my fat ass for a little while – another story).

    You ARE a good wife, and good mother while we’re at it, your kids are healthy, (gorgeous!) you look after them and you are only human. Thomas is a grown man, and can surely look after himself to some extent…? I know people would call me a useless bitch for saying that, but hey. Dude? You spend the day running around like a headless chicken for everyone else. You need a break too. Find some compromise with him. Dunno the circumstances from last year, but every relationship needs give and take. I could go on but this comment is now epic proportions.

    In short, I agree with Lotta, above.

    Internet hugs honey, don’t beat yourself up TOO much.

  7. Awww, hugs to you Wendy.

    I know from friends that working in the food industry is hard on the whole family as it just messes up the normal meal time schedules. Maybe you could have family time meals at breakfast or during the hour between his shifts that he comes home? Make the most of his days off – make him cook for you all — hehe!

    Hang in there and tell yourself, this too shall pass!

  8. All I can say is take it one day at a time. Right now things are not so kosher in my house and let’s just say the couch has seen more of my husband than I have.

    We are all here for you and remember, you cannot please everyone – the most important person you need to please is yourself (okay, yeah, take your mind out of the gutter with that one!)

  9. Girl, I wish I had some awesome words of encouragement that would magically fix the situation. But, I don’t. I do want to say that I know how things were with you and him over the last year since I have been reading your blog for awhile now. I know you want to please him and make him happy but you also have to make YOURSELF happy. If you don’t take care of you, you can’t take care of anyone else!

    If it were me, I would make dinner at a certain time, making enough for hubby. Then put it away for him to eat when he gets home. Or if he’s already eaten, then he can have it for lunch the next day. You can not be expected to cook for him at 1 or 2 in the morning! You’re not running a restaurant.

    You want to make him happy as well as the kids but if you spread yourself too thin, you won’t make anyone happy. You know I love you! I wish there was something else I could say…

    xoxoxo

  10. You rock Wenders! You can’t spend your life walking around on tip toes because of what happened last year. Yes it’s nice to have T happy, but you have to be happy too. You shouldn’t have to work yourself to the bone babes.
    You deserve to be treated with respect and if he knows that you’ve been cooking away for him he should politely tell his boss that he needs to pass on the beers tonight so that he can make it home for the awesome dinner you cooked. The road goes both ways and he needs to give a little too.

    Hugs
    Kirst

  11. hey wendy. its a3love from twitter. will you send me the link to your old blog? i have a friend who is going through some real tough times with her husband and i’m wondering if your blog can help her make sense of things. – her husband announced friday night that he didn’t love her anymore. she’s absolutely crushed. i don’t know what to say to her. i don’t know how to encourage her. my heart is sad.

    anyway, i enjoy your udates on twitter! i’m still really new to twitter, but i’m trying to jump in and get involved.

    here’s my email: triplea826@hotmail.com. Thanks!


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